I had a long convo today with a friend about the feeling of having someone in your life that you care for who isn’t supposed to be in your life. It’s easier to disinvest from people who hurt you. It’s so much harder to let go of people when they make you happy, but the situation as a whole causes you pain.
Relationships are at the very bottom of my priority list, so I tend to only offer insight into someone else’s situation when it’s solicited. Still, even from my limited perspective, I know what it’s like to have a really unique connection with someone and not be able to be with that person. It’s not logical. It doesn’t make sense that you can fit into each other’s lives so seamlessly without some bigger plan at work.
When I was 22 I lost someone that I loved very much. This turned out to be one loss in a series of untimely deaths that would prove to be the hardest 6 years of my life, but this one was different. He wasn’t my boyfriend because I wouldn’t let him be. Partially because of the realities of our circumstances and partially because of my own shit. Even without the title, there was never a doubt in either of our minds that we were supposed to be together in some capacity. I didn’t see an alternative future, so the process of bleeding him out of my life once he was gone took years. I’m five years in and I still can’t say I’m past it.
It’s the same for anyone who you make space for in that way.
When you fuse with someone, you have to make the choice to amputate them from your life. You have to do it in a way that is so final that you can’t change your mind when the loneliness sets in. For me, that meant deleting the text thread, unfollowing old social media accounts, and letting go of anything that kept me from moving on. It feels inhumane, intentionally inflicting that kind of pain on yourself. It goes against your nature. It takes getting to a place when you’ve been in that space for so long that you’re willing to chew off your own foot to go free.
There’s no way to expedite the healing process of letting go of someone you care about. You have to want you more. You have to want your future more than you want your past. There’s a really personal realization that has to occur before you can say you’re done and truly mean it. The main thing that I took from my experience is that some people are put in your life to give you a preview of what your life should be, even if they can’t be a part of it.